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It’s almost a month ago that I gave my first tour through Mexico. It was an amazing experience and I’m very happy with my tour. Now I’m living almost for a month in Oaxaca.

Why Oaxaca? Well, I just went with the flow of life. Actually I thought I would go back to San Cristobal de las Casas due to I already know some people there and I had some plans what I could do there. But I wasn’t that convinced about it. It might be easier there but I also knew that I needed a grounding place like Oaxaca.

However, during my tour I saw in Oaxaca an advertisement for a three days Ayurveda course that would begin after my tour. I attended it and it was great. After the course I wasn't sure where I could go next. I decided not to force anything and just asked in a Facebook group if someone had a room for rent.

I received some answers. For example from a German woman called Andrea. We caught up, got very good along and I moved into her house on the next day. Now I’m helping her in exchange with painting, free massage (yes, I'm taking some massage lessons right now in Oaxaca).

Therefore I decided to stay in Oaxaca until I'll take my flight back to Barcelona in the end of June. Here in Oaxaca I'm going to Yoga class to develop my own practice snd learn instructions in Spanish.  Yes, it's a nice place to ground. I have really hard times to do that.

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Actually everything could be great if I were not a person who tends to think a lot, becomes anxious and feels overwhelmed... Sometimes I can control it quite well and sometimes not. For example if something happens and brings me out of balance.

I received a couple of weeks ago a message from my best friend in which she told me quite tough things. It brought me out of balance.

First I was very upset and disappointed, then I thought about it quite a lot like I am. She was right in some things and some based on misunderstanding. It showed to me that it’s important to talk to each other. Her massage let me fall down deeply and I needed some time to get up. 

Buddhism says that if you fall, you will fall on the ground of truth. You cannot fall deeper but you can get strength from there to stand up again with more wisdom. 

When I fall this time on the "ground of truth" I realized that I still carry things with me I haven't faced yet. I know them but I try to avoid them...

For example that I felt lots of jealousy and had attachment for my roommate in Barcelona. I didn’t like my negative feelings but I didn’t know how to let them go nor to change my point of view. Actually I had them all the time. Sometimes more sometimes less. But this is not how love should be, Love means freedom, not having expectations, no perfection and accept change. Very clear in theory...

In the past I just dropped a relationship or took my distance if I started to feel like that due to I feared to get hurt and I couldn’t deal with my negative feelings. I know it sounds quite weird.

My attachment and jealousy got worse after I got my friend's massage. I feared to lose her and everyone I love like my roommate in Barcelona. Therefore I started inside me to attach more and became very jealously due to I feared to lose him. But I knew it would make it worse. And I never talked about with someone about it. And this was the one of the reasons why it came to my friend's massage: because we haven't talked about what was going on...

Therefore I decided to tell him how I feel and that I would know it’s my responsibility etc. and that I will try to let go of it. I didn’t expect anything from him. I just wanted to let him know. I felt better after my message and he just listened to me and wrote something with compassion back without trying to give a solution because that I wasn't looking for. For that I love him.

Now I'm trying to be more open, try to give love without expectation, give freedom and let go. Things change that's the only stable thing. So I’m trying to enjoy the moment by giving out love without expectations. I'm practicing and I'm watching how it feels.

Another thing I realized is that I’m setting myself again under pressure by making many plans for my return to Barcelona and what I could do there. I want to be independent, do my projects and earn enough money to live there and can save up some money.

I think I have good ideas and they could work out. But what started as creative ideas and fun I have slowly turned into stress and pressure…

I know that I'm puting it on me and nobody else does it. I see that what I want is not the same of what I truly need. 

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I learnt on my journey that it works best for me if I just let things happen, go with the flow of life, be open for different ways and believe in my affirmations*. 

*I adjusted some of my affirmations due to I saw some are ‘wants’ and not that what I really need. ;-)

It’s not that easy to decide what is ‘want’ and what is ‘need’ due to we learn rules from our parents, society and surroundings. We forgot about what we really need and like to do. We just think in the ways we have learnt because we believe that it is how should be. Even if it doesn’t feel right but everyone is doing it, don’t they? So, it isn't easy to see the difference between 'wants' and 'needs'. 

But it is possible to come back to this point and remember your needs. I remember how to get there by reading through my blog and what I already experienced. In addition being in nature away from civilization helps me as well.

And if you find out about your needs then let things happen, don't force anything, be open for different ways and believe in your affirmations. And I think the most important thing is to take your needs seriously even if your surroundings tell you other things that you might ‘need’…

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I’m thankful for my best friend's massage due to it helped me to realize some things I still carry with me but tried to avoid them or run away from them. I’m not finished yet but I guess it’s a lifetime exercise.  By practicing we can master them and see what’s behind and come closer to the answer of “what is that what I really need?!”…

By the way: after my best friend's message we had a chat and we could clear many things and we are approaching to each other. We know each other for quite a long time. Of course things change but I really love her. 

Thanks for reading my story. I appreciate it a lot. I hope you could find some inspiration. Writing helps me to release... Lots of love.